Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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Friday, February 04, 2005

Andy strikes again

Andy Borowitz strikes again:

MAN SUES McDONALDS AND PARIS HILTON FOR MAKING HIM FAT AND STUPID
47.2 Million Fat, Stupid Americans May Join Suit

In what many legal experts are already calling a landmark case, an Illinois man today sued McDonald's and hotel heiress Paris Hilton for making him, in his words, "fat and stupid."

Davis Hopewell, 37, alleges in his legal complaint that he was of average weight and intelligence before eating a steady diet of McDonald's food and watching Paris Hilton's reality show "The Simple Life."

But after several months of ingesting both, Mr. Hopewell said, "I became the fat and stupid person I am today."

According to the complaint, Mr. Hopewell said that he attempted on several occasions to change the channel to something other than Ms. Hilton's television program, but was unable to do so because he became winded when he reached for the remote.

While Mr. Hopewell's legal action is thought to be the first of its kind, legal experts believe that it could become a major class-action lawsuit if an estimated 47.2 million fat and stupid Americans hold McDonald's and Paris Hilton responsible for their condition.

In an official response, McDonald's spokesman Leeza Renfroe said that the company would argue that Mr. Hopewell was well on his way to being both fat and stupid before he was exposed to their product.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Ms. Hilton said that the hotel heiress will most likely employ the so-called "whatever" defense, meaning that she will reply to all questions in court by saying, "Whatever."

Elsewhere, in yet another video hoax, the CIA now believes that the last tape of Osama bin Laden was actually Hokey Pokey Elmo.

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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Wormer? He's a dead man.

John Vernon, veteran character actor best remembered as Dean Wormer in the 1978 classic Animal House has died. Saskatchewan native Vernon played the perennial bad guy in movies from The Outlaw Josey Wales to Dirty Harry to Airplane II and television guest roles up through and including CSI.

Vernon was most recently seen in the special follow-up feature add-on to the "Double Secret Probation" Special Edition DVD of Animal House, which showed where the characters would be today. Dean Wormer was shown as a wheelchair-bound crochety old man in a nursing home.

John Vernon was 72.

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Lies, damned lies, and statistics

DOCTORS:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services)

GUNS:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

(Thanks to Rob Domaschuk at Printable Technologies)

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Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I look at it this way...

... I have an appointment with the surgeon on Friday anyway, and I'm not worried that he hasn't called with the biopsy results. Either it was benign, or he figures a couple of days isn't going to make that much difference. I don't worry about things over which I have no control.

Surprisingly, I wasn't stitched. They used surgical glue. I found this mildly disturbing, until I recalled that my experience with cyanoacrylic adhesives was that the only thing I could ever reliably glue together were my fingers.

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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Not to rain on anyone's parade...

"United States officials were surprised and heartened today at the size of turnout in South Vietnam's presidential election despite a Vietcong terrorist campaign to disrupt the voting. According to reports from Saigon, 83 percent of the 5.85 million registered voters cast their ballots yesterday. Many of them risked reprisals threatened by the Vietcong. A successful election has long been seen as the keystone in President Johnson's policy of encouraging the growth of constitutional processes in South Vietnam."
-Peter Grose, in a page 2 New York Times article titled, "U.S. Encouraged by Vietnam Vote," September 4, 1967.

"The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false."
-Paul Johnson

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Monday, January 31, 2005

And from Andy Borowitz...

"...Elsewhere, despite some complaints that the ballot in Sunday's Iraqi election was confusing and likely to cause voting errors, 'This election represents the will of the people,' said Iraqi president-elect Pat Buchanan."

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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Honesty doesn't pay

So there's this big stink about the administration paying journalists under the table to promote their programs, and when someone makes a public, above-the-table offer to spread propaganda for pay, he gets whacked upside the head.

The Covert Comic, our favorite funny spook, has been put on administrative leave by his superiors at the CIA and is the target of an internal security investigation because of his honest, above-board offer to help out the Bushies.

CC notes:

"It's officially not official: I can neither confirm nor deny that the reason for your humble spook's current 'routine non-routine security investigation' is my posting on this web site two weeks ago, in which I offered to help the current Administration covertly promote its policies in US media in exchange for money. You know, like they did with that conservative Christian columnist. Apparently, Langley didn't get the joke... or they really, really got it."

Hang in there, big fella. Those of us here at KGB are rooting for you.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


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