Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


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Friday, January 07, 2005

Kerry? Hillary?

Or, according to Andy Borowitz:

POLL: IN MATCH-UP BETWEEN HILLARY AND KERRY, MOST DEMOCRATS WOULD CHOOSE SUICIDE
 
Survey Spells Trouble for Dems, Pollster Says

A new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21%, Sen. Clinton 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.

"Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with "jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17%.

According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.

"It"s still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn't be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers," Mr. Pritchard said.

Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, "That's better than a sharp stick in the eye."

But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry's upbeat assessment: "In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin."

Elsewhere, at his confirmation hearings yesterday, Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales said, "You call this an interrogation? Where the heck are the hoods??

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Even the Devil can quote Google

Hey, you don't agree with me about something, fine. Just quit sending me emails containing links which "prove" your warped concept of reality.

A timely post from Dave Farber's Interesting Persons mailing list:

"Having Google or Alexandria or the Library of Congress contain all works in a particular form at a particular time is potentially useful, but without critical skills and background any arbitrary reader is likely to find nonsense and believe it fact, read fact and conclude fiction, or simply be left in a state of greater confusion than before. This is perhaps the real lesson of Babel.

"Using Google (or searching in a major library) right now I can find convincing treatises that the world is flat, aliens walk among us, and that the world was created a mere 6009 years ago. There are pages that "prove" that there is no God, that there are multiple gods, that the one "true" God is revealed by religion X/Y/Z, and in keeping with the above, that God was an alien in a UFO."-Gene Spafford

And remember,

"Information is money, but data is squat."
-Angela Llama-Butler

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Thursday, January 06, 2005

GAH!

Greatest American Hero

 

Woohoo!

A cult classic from the 80s, the quirky, smart and ineffable Greatest American Hero arrives on DVD on February 8, 2005.

Word is the DVD will contain lots of extras... including a copy of the lost instruction book for The Suit.

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Ramblings on a snowy Thursday

As an alternative to a multi-million dollar, ocean-sensor based tsunami warning system for countries adjacent to the Indian Ocean, Don Imus had a great suggestion on his show yesterday: just put some elephants on the beaches and hire the locals to watch them. When the pachyderms start hauling ass, you know it's time to move to higher ground.

---

I predict that there will be all sorts of wacky news reports after Michael Keaton's new film White Noise is released this Friday.

White noise is a combination of all different frequencies; waterfalls and the roaring sound made by tuning a television to a blank station are examples. More details can be found here. The film's premise is that the dead use it as a communications medium.

I see dumb people.

You can just bet they're going to start appearing in psych wards and on talk shows beginning next week.

Still, it explains why my dog, Beanie, leaves the room quickly whenever the television is tuned mid-channel or the cable goes out. Hmm. Maybe we can move to an ocean somewhere and get jobs as tsunami/ghost warning sentinels.

---

Lots of snow in Chicago this morning. From the tenth floor here at my sprawling lakeshore penthouse, it looks like there's a half-foot or so on the sidewalks. The streets don't look too bad, though- the crews have been out non-stop all night. Sorry, but there's no comparison between snow removal in Pittsburgh and Chicago. After an ice storm in the mid-90s, two days passed without our street being treated. I called the township and informed them that my daughter and her friends were ice skating on the street. They asked if I wanted them to send a salt truck. "No," I said. "Send a Zamboni. The ice is getting rough."

---

That said, Pittsburgh has most other cities beat when it comes to its airport and public transportation. Waiting a couple hours for a delayed flight at Greater Pitt isn't really an inconvenience. There's more stuff to do there than in the Downtown: free wireless internet, lots of food places, restaurants in which you can smoke, gadget and book stores, just to name a few.

Riding the T from the South Hills to Downtown Pittsburgh is a pleasure compared to Chicago's CTA trains. The cars are spacious, well lit and the seats are comfortable. And the lack of snoring, homeless sleepers sprawled across several seats and the urine smells which permeate the stations is especially refreshing.

---

Stick a fork in Useless Air; they're done. The arrival of Southwest in Pittsburgh this coming May pretty much dooms the financially and management-challenged oldline carrier.

Not that I'm a fan of Southwest. Sure, they're cheap and reliable, but flying on one of their cramped 737s is like being in steerage on an old ocean steamer. I keep expecting to see sheep wandering up and down the aisle. But, unlike US Air, at least Southwest won't lose the sheep.

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Thought of the day

Do monomaniacal paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them?
(thanks to BlackWidow on alt.quotations)

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Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


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