Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution


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Saturday, July 31, 2004

About this Blue Moon business

Ancient tradition says that if a month contains two full moons, the second one is called a "Blue Moon".

Ancient tradition, dating back to a mistake made by Sky and Telescope in 1946.

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Friday, July 30, 2004

Joke of the day

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

(thanks to Ernie Corl)

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Tongues and Sex Organs

I think Hillary at National Geographic has gone over the deep end.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Funny, it's not on the event list...

ATHENS (Reuters) - Athletes at next month's Athens Olympics are expected to go for gold in the bedroom as well as on the field, with 130,000 free condoms being made available throughout the Games.

Condom manufacturer Durex has donated the prophylactics as well as 30,000 sachets of lubricant for the August 13-29 Olympics, "to smooth the performance of the world's elite sports people in the arena and under the covers," it said in a statement.

The condoms will be available to over 17,000 athletes and officials at the pharmacy of the athletes' Olympic village.

"The condoms will come in an individual pack, with an instruction leaflet in various languages," said a spokeswoman for Durex Greece.

"We have discussed the numbers with the organizing committee and we think they are realistic as we know from previous Olympics that athletes do come into contact during the Games."

In the Sydney 2000 Games, each competing athlete was given 51 condoms on arrival at the Olympic Village, but another 20,000 had to be shipped in when supplies began to run low.

---

Wonder if this event will end up on MSNBC in the middle of the night?

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I also believe in fairies...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Economists searching for reasons why some nations are richer than others have found that those with a wide belief in hell are less corrupt and more prosperous, according to a report by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis.

Researchers at the regional Federal Reserve bank acknowledged the importance of productivity and investment in the economic process but looked at some recent unconventional efforts to explain differences in national prosperity.

The St Louis Fed drew on work by outside economists who studied 35 countries, including the United States, European nations, Japan, India and Turkey and found that religion shed some useful light.

"In countries where large percentages of the population believe in hell, there seems to be less corruption and a higher standard of living," the St. Louis Fed said in its July quarterly review.

For instance, 71 percent of the U.S. population believe in hell and the country boasts the world's highest per capita income, according to the 2003 United Nations Human Development Report and 1990-1993 World Values Survey.

Ireland, not far behind the United States in terms of income, likewise has a healthy fear of a nether world with 53 percent of the population acknowledging hell's existence.

---

(Someone at the St. Louis Federal Reserve has way too much time on his hands.)

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Quotes of the day

"We wasted $200 billion of our money (in Iraq), $100 billion to destroy the infrastructure of the country, then we had to pledge $100 billion to build it back, to find one guy who was hiding in a fox hole."-Ted Turner

"Evil, pure and simple, from the Ninth Dimension!"-Buckaroo Banzai.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Contemporary Thought of the Day

"First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead."-Jimmy Carter

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Ancient Thought of the Day

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you." -Pericles

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The unasked question....

MIDDLEBURG HEIGHTS, Ohio -- The initial autopsy of a Berea man found dead in a hospital waiting room found no signs of trauma or injury.

The coroner said that it could take weeks before it is learned how Robert Johnson died, reported NewsChannel5's Linda Pasareillo.

Johnson, 55, was found dead in a private waiting room at Southwest General Medical Center in Middleburg Heights.

A nurse discovered that Johnson was dead at about 10:30 a.m. Thursday.

Police told his widow, Robin Johnson, that her husband may have been lying there for up to 23 hours.

"Nobody checked... nobody bothered to say, 'Excuse me, are you here for somebody?' or, 'Can I help you?'" said Robin.

Robin told NewsChannel5 that she'd like to see changes made at the hospital, including more frequent checks of the waiting rooms by security personnel.

--

Uh, NewsChannel5? Not to let the hospital off the hook or anything, but... why didn't you ask the aggrieved widow, "Hey, lady... your husband was gone for 23 hours and you didn't notice he was missing?"

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"Dumb" animals?

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (Reuters) - Distance proved no obstacle for an intrepid New Zealand tomtit, which apparently dodged predators and braved open seas to fly more than 37 miles back to his lady-love.

The tiny black and white bird, tagged with the initials "RG," stunned conservation staff when he re-appeared in the North Island's Hunua Ranges, two months after he was transferred 63 km away to an island wildlife sanctuary, north of Auckland.

"They weren't able to catch his mate and so they took the male tomtit and left his mate behind and he decided 'Bugger that, I'm going home', so he did," said Department of Conservation staff member Warwick Murray.

"We don't have any record of such little birds traveling such great distances, particularly over water, like that."

Smaller than a sparrow, the protected North Island tomtit will be rewarded for his fidelity by being allowed to stay with his beloved in his original home.

"Apparently he's quite chipper," Murray said.

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More of the same

Ah, the bloggers are on the floor of the DNC now. Swell... amateur bloviators competing with the professionals, and their pompous self-importance does indeed rival that of their "real" press counterparts.

Thank goodness for C-SPAN.

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Monday, July 26, 2004

The curse of presbyopia

In the small print on the laptop, I thought it said "More Americans are getting obstreperous." I clicked on the story and discovered the actual headline was, "More Americans are getting osteoporosis."

Probably from being obstreperous.

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You have to understand...

..that when Teresa Heinz Kerry told Colin McNickle of the Greensburg -er- Pittsburgh Tribune-Review to "shove it", she was voicing what many native Pittsburghers have felt about that ultra-conservative, mudslinging rag for years.

Mr. McNickle's impartiality as an objective member of the fourth estate is best demonstrated from a piece from last week's Trib: "John Kerry and John Edwards, two Johns pimping for a populism that can only perpetuate poverty, haven't a clue. Now there's a campaign theme, eh?"

When my son graduated with a degree in journalism in 1998, I told him I'd rather see him work for the National Enquirer. In fact, I threatened to disown him if he even applied at the Trib.

The Trib is published by Richard Mellon Scaife, "the stupidest member of his extended family" and the king of right-wing wingnuts.

And I better stop here, since most heart attacks occur on Mondays, and this weasel sends my blood pressure soaring.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
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Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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