Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


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I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Thursday, December 11, 2003

Out of the kid's closet

By John Scalzi

Of course Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby, is gay. They're ALL gay. That whole industry is gay. That industry being, of course, live action children's entertainers.

So we need to out the entire list? Fine. Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. All gay. H.R. Pufnstuf: America's first openly gay mayor (Mayor McCheese only came out after that scandal with his all-too-appropriately named commercial competitor, Jack in the Box). Speaking of Pufnstuf: You remember Freddie, the talking flute? Not just a phallic symbol—he's queer as a three dollar bill; his mincing paranoia is widely regarded by insiders as the inspiration for C-3PO. Witchiepoo? Loves the Indigo Girls. Shall we go on? Marlo and the Magic Movie Machine. Both gay. After the show was cancelled, the only work the Magic Movie Machine could get was in a gay porno house in Times Square. They cut a slot for quarters into his front panel. The New Zoo Review—some were gay, some were polyamorous, all were pagans. The Banana Splits were a rock band in the glam-era early 70s; they slept with anything in those cocaine-fueled bathhouse orgies with the Bugaloos. Electro Woman and Dyna Girl— perhaps the fundamental lesbian icons of the mid-70s, although Isis gave them a run for the money. I mean, really: An unmarried female high school teacher with a penchant for Egyptian jewelry? Do you need a road map? And let's not even talk about "Captain Marvel": A teen boy that becomes a muscle-bound man in tights with the help of six Greek gods. Shazam, indeed.

But what about the commercial characters? Everyone expects the characters in the shows to have some strange lifestyle choices—they are performers, after all. But surely advertisers, skittish creatures that they are, would demand heterosexuality. That Mayor McCheese thing was just a fluke, right? Guess again. Look at Grimace. Just look at him. The Hamburgler's spent most of his adult life in prison; the things done to him there would give D.H. Lawrence pause. Ronald is gay but studiously celibate; he doesn't want to mess with a good thing.

The Trix Rabbit: Gay and obsessive. Toucan Sam has a rainbow flag on his beak. Count Chocula is pure Euroqueer; he's been living openly with Lucky the Leprechaun since the early 80s. Tony the Tiger thinks he passes in the straight world, but the bandanna gives him away. And everyone sees the looks he gives Sugar Bear. Snap, Crackle and Pop: Those sordid little elves have been at it for years. And as for Cap'N Crunch: Come on. No navy in the world is going to commission a man whose eyebrows are on his hat. He just likes the uniform.

Every single one of them. Gay like a disco at 2am. Gosh, it's a miracle that any of us kids grew up straight at all.

(© 1999 John Scalzi. This article is freely transmittable for non-profit use, so long as this note and the following signature file are attached.)

John Scalzi, Freelance Troublemaker
http://www.scalzi.com—Made Fresh Daily. http: //www.daddytrack.com—
Now Humor For Happening Parents.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Odd things that popped up on the web...

This could be the perfect Christmas gift for the computer-using cat owner, but I'm a bit skeptical. The site's description of their "cat-like typing" detection system also describes the typing skills of a lot of people I know.

***

You sort of wonder what type of medication this guy takes. Or, more specifically, why he stopped taking it.

***

When explaining Santa Claus to the kiddies, you'd best avoid this site.

***

Don't have enough to worry about? How about 35 pound hailstones? Even better, you can blame it global warming... short-term and long-term disasters in one convenient package.

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Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Well, this just about sums it up...

Wonder why they call it satire?

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Monday, December 08, 2003

Things you don't see every day...

In downtown Chicago, a traffic cop issuing parking tickets while riding a horse... with the horse sporting a Santa Claus hat.

And a related item, things you don't hear everyday: the phrase "and the horse you rode in on" used in a literal context.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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